The past few days have been filled with thoughts, doubt, and reflection. Deciding to give myself a week was the right choice, and as always, it takes time for the answer to reveal itself. Especially when you let go of everything for a while, question everything again, and allow yourself to admit that you simply don’t know it. I’ve learned how to pick myself up during moments like these because this isn’t the first time in my travels. It’s part of traveling, and it’s part of freedom.
I spend these days feeling a little down. I sleep a lot and go for walks just to keep moving. My energy is low, so I don’t have the strength for intense activities or sports. Of course, I know this is part of life, and I also know that in the end, you’re the one responsible for making something of it. I join the hostel’s bingo night and end up winning a couple of prizes: a few beers and a big bag of chips, which I share with everyone. I notice that the hostel is dominated by certain nationalities. The French and Italians make up the majority, and in general, they’re not very optimistic about their future back home. Whenever I have nothing to do, which is most of the day, I love observing people and sensing the atmosphere around me. My intuition tells me and confirms in conversations that many people here are rebuilding their lives, forming new social circles, and creating a future. I feel like I’m on a different path. I’ve already gained a lot of clarity about who I am.
Of course, that clarity is always subject to change depending on the choices I make, but I’ve developed a deep understanding of my own inner compass and subconscious mind an body. Many things in that subconscious are fundamentally wired and programmed. I am who I am. And when I look at myself, I am: sensitive, energetic, passionate, pragmatic, logical, disciplined, empathetic, adventurous, independent, creative, curious, social, and athletic. Quite a list… just a snapshot of the words that come to mind as I’m writing. This is my foundation.
A concept I learned a lot from in a podcast is the sequence of being, doing, and having.
For a long time in my life, I primarily focused on having. I saw having things as the motivation to do things, believing that those achievements would make me become someone. Thankfully, I never drifted too far away from who I truly am. But I do notice that at this stage of my life, I start from being, and the next question becomes: What am I going to do? Whenever I shift my focus back to having possessions or accomplishments, life seems to push back. That’s what I felt the last couple of weeks.
So instead of:
Have → Do → Be
it has become:
Be → Do → Have
The things I have become the natural result of who I am and what I do. And if you actually break down the word become. It literally can be broken down in: “be” and “come”. So I believe that your “being” is “coming” your way.
Maybe it sounds like complete gibberish when you read it. For me, it’s something I can hold on to.
Back to my little social experiment of observing people in the hostel. It also keeps me connected because I spend a lot of time hanging around the common areas. Being as transparent as I am, I openly share my own story when people ask how I’m doing. I tell them I honestly don’t know yet and share my doubts about whether I want to go through with the visa-related work or not. I’ve learned that if you truly want something, you also have to be willing to walk away from it. Going back to the theory above: I don’t need to have that visa in order to “be” someone. That’s my mindset. Looking at my timeline, I realize I have enough time to simply pause. The fact that my thoughts are already drifting toward the Netherlands means I don’t feel particularly attached to where I am right now, and I know I have to surrender to that feeling. So I do. I talk, I write, and I simply sit with my thoughts. That’s not always easy. I still go for walks, spend some time reading in the library, but everything just feels a little… off.
Then it occurs to me that I could also head back to the Netherlands earlier than planned, although I have no real idea what I’d do once I got there. I’ve stayed in touch with Supa, my friend from Thailand, who’s currently traveling around Europe. He’s flying back to Thailand, and once we talk about it, I don’t have to think twice. I decide to spend a few days in Thailand before heading back to the Netherlands at the beginning of August.
Just the thought of Thai food and a warm sea instantly relaxes me. Sabai Sabai.
I book my ticket and immediately feel the flow returning. I realize that flow had disappeared for a while. Earlier, I wrote about how, during my working period in Sydney, I noticed myself falling back into old patterns: focusing on earning money, pushing myself, saving, and living frugally. For what, Stan? A few hundred dollars more or less? Why not simply be present? Let it go. Money comes and goes.
Still, surrendering to that isn’t easy for me. I have to remind myself that this trip is an investment, not a loss of money.
Let it go.
There’s Maximiliano, my Chilean friend from the hostel, someone I can laugh with and also have meaningful conversations with. Spending time with him reminds me once again that it’s always the people who make a place special, or not. We exchange stories, and he tells me how much he likes Dutch people because of our directness. We get along really well, and moments like these always leave me in gratitude.
On Friday afternoon I grab a coffee with Bart to catch up about his pre-season, life in Australia, and my own plans. Out of boredom, I even help out with dinner at the hostel that evening. The cook is Colombian, and it reminds me how privileged I am to have traveled to so many places, including Colombia. We end up reminiscing about places we’ve both been. The days quietly goes by, and before I know it, the week is almost over.
I continue observing people in the hostel, and one thing stands out to me. So many people smoke, vape, spend entire days in bed, endlessly scroll on their phones playing games, and consume mountains of Nutella, Monster Energy, and sugary drinks. It’s simply an observation, but I also notice how easily I start slipping into that rhythm myself, staying up later, reaching for my phone more often, and ending up with much higher screen time that week. At the same time, it reinforces the realization that this lifestyle simply isn’t who I am.
For a change, I take a walk along Henley Beach on Sunday, and I can feel my batteries slowly recharging for something. On Monday I make a few phone calls to companies to ask about work if I decide to return here in September. Then I pack my bag for the long journey from Adelaide to Bangkok. On Tuesday I fly.
During the flight, I reflect, and I can feel my sense of freedom slowly returning.
I realize I lost quite a bit of my spark when I started working. I feel that strongly now. That decision to work came from the thought that I needed to earn money again. It was something I imposed on myself, and in that sense, it turned out to be a valuable experiment. Yes, I wanted to work in construction, and I’m glad I did it for the experience. But along with it came those old patterns again and the realization that construction simply isn’t something I genuinely enjoy doing.
A quote by Kanye West comes to mind: “When you’re acting in love, you’re like a drop of water with the ocean as your army. When you’re acting in fear, it’s just you and your money.”
Whether you agree with the quote or not, I feel the truth of it. Because I deliberately confronted that fear by doing work I didn’t love. And going back to that quote, we all know that love for a person, a purpose, or a craft can be stronger than almost anything. When you act out of love, it becomes stronger than fear and stronger than money. The ocean always wins.
For me, it’s another reminder to do as many things as possible from a place of love.
Time to board the plane and cross the ocean to Thailand.
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