Almost two full months back on Dutch home soil. Home, and perhaps one of the most conscious periods of being at home I’ve had in my entire life, especially as an adult. And honestly, I’m having a good time. I do notice that I have quite a bit of energy left, though, and I don’t always know how to channel it properly. Still, I’m cheerful and in a good mood. I whistle, I sing, I smile a lot, and each day I simply see where it takes me.
Let’s go back to where I left off, about two weeks ago. I’ve recovered a little from the Volendam Fair. After a beautiful weekend, a rainy afternoon follows. One of those drizzly days where raindrops are pressed against the windows all day long. It keeps me indoors on this 8th of September. The highlight of the afternoon is having a delicious pancake for lunch with my parents and younger brother. Other than that, I read a bit, and the day simply glides by, much like the raindrops running down the window.
That morning I wake up feeling somewhat tired and, honestly, not 100%. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a little off. Do I look for the cause? Yes, always for a moment, but then I let it go. It is what it is, and I don’t necessarily need to find a reason or hear that a flu is going around or that it must be linked to a particular event. I’m rarely sick, so it’s nothing to worry. I do sometimes think about that fatigue and those moments when my energy is a little lower. My thinking is that it’s because I’m not doing enough of the things that give me energy. Of course, I don’t really have a routine in terms of how I spend my days, and that has left me somewhat out of rhythm, especially when it comes to sleeping. I also don’t yet feel the urge to start something completely new, so if I’m being honest, it is a little strange to go through life like this and truly live one day at a time. It does give me an enormous amount of peace of mind, though. Of course, I think a lot and have plenty of thoughts, but I’m not overthinking or worrying. Most of those thoughts are actually positive, I’ve noticed.
For a change, I decide to take a walk along the beach and get some fresh air after having spent two days indoors because of the weather. That afternoon I have a meeting with a company in Amsterdam where I’m interested in potentially getting back to work. What am I going to do? It actually sounds quite nice to be busy again and to have a sense of purpose, and work certainly provides that. I’d like to get back into sales.
A bit of background around that, during my travels, I thought a lot about my working life and the different periods of it. I’ve come to the conclusion that there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with the work itself. A large part of it was also about how I approached that work. Perhaps I took it too seriously, was too focused, and as a result left too little room for the right balance in my life. Because of my environment, politics within the workplace, not always feeling free, and the pressure that comes with a corporate environment, I now have a much better understanding of what I do and don’t want. I do love pressure still and also create something at the same time.
The biggest lesson from my previous job is that I need the right balance in my life to sustain it properly. And by that I mean a balance between work, creative expression, sports, and time to enjoy life. Keeping all of those things in balance is an art, and having variety and meeting new people is essential for me. Again, this is still in its very early stages, and for those reading this: I’m definitely still open to ideas or different perspectives. Either way, it feels good to be thinking about all of this.
That afternoon, I make a last-minute decision to visit my friend Souf in Antwerp. My parents already had a weekend planned near the French border, so I could ride along with them. I find Souf at his recently renovated home, and in a way, it feels like looking at a reflection of myself from two and a half years ago, when I was also in the middle of a renovation. It takes me back to that period, and I try to help Souf here and there with a few small things. And then we have a little first: the first time cooking in his house. A small thing, perhaps, but still a nice memory to share. We have a great time, also enjoying the company of his friends around Marnixplaats. Antwerp feels like a nice city: familiar, calm, with a few good people around, and manageable in size. I think to myself that I could quite easily live here for a month or two.
There’s something nice about being in another city where, once again, you’re nobody in particular. You get to see, taste, and experience new things. The plan was for me to drive back with my parents on Sunday, but because things were going so well, I decided to extend my stay. It’s ‘gezellig’. We walk around, talk, eat, and even squeeze in a kickboxing class for some exercise. The weather is good, so I spend quite a bit of time outside enjoying it. Souf also has some meetings for work, so we both do our own thing.
Halfway through the week, we travel together to Amsterdam because he also has to be there for work, and Thursday is his birthday. He celebrates it in Amsterdam because he also has a work drinks event, and I’m the bonus guest. So there I am again, at a corporate drinks event, and being the social animal that I am, I quickly start chatting with people. Before I know, tells me that there is still one spot available for the Dam tot Dam Run. “Yeah, maybe I could…”
Definitely not saying yes straight away. Especially not after a drink or two, I remind myself not to make big promises while slightly tipsy. In the end, it’s a really fun evening, and of course, we’re also celebrating Souf’s birthday.
The next morning, I cycle from Amsterdam to Zandvoort, pick up Joram from Schiphol, collect some things in Amsterdam, and then enjoy an old-fashioned Friday afternoon drink with my parents.
Saturday morning I wake up to a message:
“Do you still want to join the Dam tot Dam tomorrow?” Uhhhhh… yeah, why not? Let’s just do it, I think, somewhat out of boredom.
Sunday morning, I first cycle 25K to Amsterdam, and at 11:00 I’m standing at the start of the Dam tot Dam Run with some of Souf’s colleagues, most of whom I barely know. How does the run go? Of course, I start too fast here as well. The run itself is a lot of fun, and I finish it in a decent time. However, afterwards I notice that I don’t really feel well. Man, I get some serious stomach cramps and suddenly feel like I’m about to pass out. A hunger crash, it seems, and I really feel it. I’ve simply burned a little too much and pushed myself too hard on my reserves. Oh well, that’s how you learn. And it’s good to be reminded that I’m not invincible.
Medal around my neck, 25K back on the bike, and eventually I recover once I get home and have a delicious meal made by my mother. I relax completely when I’m lying in the bath. Quite an eventful Sunday.
On Monday, I go for a walk and realize that I also have some doubts about work, how I want to shape the rest of my life, where I want to live, and what the coming weeks are going to look like. I don’t have all the answers right now. What I do notice is that those doubts are pushing me into action and making me want to make choices that give my days enough purpose and structure. How and what exactly? Time will tell. Either way, it’s important to keep looking ahead, even when you’re living in the moment. One of the choices I make, at least, is to keep running. I squeeze in a 5K as a recovery run, and then I pick up my lovely sister from Schiphol, who is back in the Netherlands for a week. I also turn a necessary errand into something enjoyable by dropping off some paperwork and going for a lovely bike ride with my father in the beautiful late-summer weather.
Staying in motion. That’s the motto, and also the common thread ‘running’ through this blog.
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